Let’s just say the past week has been an emotional roller coaster ride for me. Coming from days 3 & 4, I saw myself coming back to the office. Busy with an upcoming shoot, I didn’t have time to reflect or even think about what I was going through coz I was on overdrive the whole day. The day ended really crappy coz I felt like I was e sent for the slaughter presenting materials that I had no idea about (my fault for not being briefed on it). Trying to hold everything together and make sure that I keep strong for the work that I do which I have to admit has been slipping of late.
This feeling carried on to Tuesday where I had too much things to do, and honestly, I was lacking both the physical as well as emotional energy for everything. I just wanted to stop and break down. On to the shoot, it went pretty much normally, not really having to do much, I was able to sit back and think and talk to people. Getting advice from friends from work. However, that evening, something blew up in my face. I didn’t know what to do or what to think anymore and to be honest I was scared. I was confronted once again by my close friend for something and I didn’t know what to do anymore, I tried my best to hang on and keep strong. After that long talk, I was able to release a lot of my frustrations. And I noticed that…after that long talk, we were able to hang out like we did before. Before the drama, before the issues…just a normal hang out. And to add to it, I got this in the mail:
“You are the sweet and sinful voice
that wakens my dawns and brightens my afternoons.
You are the sinful music that weakens my sentiments
and sings to my heart the lost passions of romance.
Through those eyes you saw me- hiding behind my mask and sorrowful disguise
And through those eyes you loved me- (sorry had to take this out for anonymity) - all equally.
You sacrifice silence in return for the music of my sadness.
You give up sleep to watch my plain and unattractive grace.
You saw the little girl inside me who longs to be loved.
And the little girls wishes for you to stay.
In your silence, I find myself seeking for you.
While you sleep, I search for you.
In your absence- I miss you.
You are the voice that keeps me alive, and without you- I will fall again.
I am still weak and wounded. I can’t face the world alone-
not yet- not without you beside me.
But I can’t say “I love you.” No.
I can’t give you my heart and soul the way I have offered my eternity to him.
Not now. Not yet. Maybe, never.
Someday, you would have to leave the little girl.
Maybe. And on that day, she will let you go.
Not because she wouldn’t fight for you- but because she has to.
Given this, I want you to know:
You are the sweet voice that I search for in simple things.
You are the laughter that I desire to hear when I can’t smile.
You are the boy that my heart looks for when my music is gone.
You are the voice that I love.
Thank you for everything.
Thank you, Michel.”
A different view on things, seeing that the different things that I do in life, talking to people, helping them out…that I did indeed help people…and it felt good. The following day in work, I felt rejuvenated. I felt renewed and probably found the thing to ignite the fire I had before. But as I have learned that day…what was easily built…could be torn down as easily as well. Found out I screwed up even more with work that easily knocked that second wind out of me. I broke down…then and there. I broke down trying, forcing myself not to break down. Trying so hard to hold on, I didn’t want to break and lose all that hard work that I’ve done to feel better. And…another thing I learned, every dog has his day. I was given an opportunity to exercise my skills and fix something that seemed doomed to begin with, of course…with the help from my friends.
The next day, working for over 36 hours straight…I saw myself tireless and strong. I felt the strength I couldn’t find the past days, weeks and even months. Doing everything that I had to and even stuff that weren’t asked of me. And…I felt rejuvenated.
I didn’t let go. I didn’t let go. I kept that strength with me. I made sure that I had to be strong and that if I kept my momentum, I’d find that I can do it. I realized that I do achieve things, that though I do fuck up…there are times that I do Herculean feats which amaze anyone and everyone.
And this weekend…was the first time after a long long time where I was able to hang out with my close close friend…and hanging out with her, felt refreshing. Nothing of the past conversations we’ve been having, just a normal care-not, will-not attitude and just relax and laugh and talk about anything and everything. Seeing old friends, both from work as well as from school, talking to them and getting their take on things helped me realize who I am…and what I have to do.
I’m tired of crying. I’m tired of breaking down. I’m tired of complaining and whining. Now’s the time that I start fixing my life.
Look at me, watch me now. This is me, taking my life by the reigns and steering it wherever I want it to go. I am finally taking charge once again. And now is finally the start of fixing myself, one step at a time…slowly but surely.
I will get better, I am feeling better…and I know that I HAVE to get better because of all the people that are cheering me on, and wanting me to get better.
I won’t let them down. I won’t let YOU down. I made a promise. And it’s a promise that I intend to keep.
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