Thus concludes the current run, (First Season?) of nik-paradiselost.blogspot.com
But this doesn't mean I'll stop writing, no. If you wanna read more stuff...visit my original blog: engkantong-praning.blogspot.com where I critique anything and everything.
Thanks for joining me this far.
-Nik, ang praning na engkanto.
Wednesday, April 29, 2009
Days 34 to Forever
As the title of the blog entry might tell you…this is going to be my last blog entry for this for the meantime.
I know a lot of people have been looking forward to my entries coz, the entries somewhat helps them out. I know, and I’m sorry.
A lot of things have happened since my last entry. A 2 week leave, drinking, smoking up, writing, playing, DVD-Marathoning and so-on and so-forth.
And though, I pretty much know what to do…It’s something I can’t tell you guys. You’ve seen what I’ve been up to, what I’ve been going through but the last and final step is something that you have to figure out yourself. But I can’t just leave you hanging, no…not that kind of person. So, I’m going to give you a couple of tips.
One thing I realized that probably screwed me up most was not being able to find balance. I realized that my subconscious has been getting stronger and stronger thus affecting me physically. I realized that it was because I was repressing too much. Repressing so much that I was keeping parts of me down, and not letting them up again.
Basically, in psychology terms, my id has been overpowered by my superego and my id has been trying to break free. And free it wants to be. Bottom line, I’m an adult sure. I need to worry about bills, making money and all but…if you lived like that…won’t it suck? And truth be told, I sucked big time. So here’s my advice. Be a kid. Not all the time, no…but when you feel the urge…do something child-like. Pop in a childish game onto your computer (installed Diablo 2 and Conan is now Lvl 26 BOOYAH!) Did some stupid stuff I wouldn’t normally do like…shave my head. I’m breaking the chains and once again living. Do something crazy like run out into the rain and letting the cool drops of water just wet you. Sleep in, lie in bed and just watch DVDs, indulge parts of you that haven’t seen the light of days for the longest time…like for me, the inner geek. Another part would be the Rockstar within…that’s why every night…I jam on my electric guitar for hours at a time just playing some hardcore rock n roll songs like “Rock You Like A Hurricane”, play some Winger, some Triumph as well as some Journey and KISS. Go out and forget all the other shit in your life and do something you enjoy, a guilty pleasure, some wacky dance you do…and you know what? JUST DON’T GIVE A FUCK. Sure you may play the guitar really bad and sure, you may look like a total ass dancing in public…but FUCK THAT. You are who you are. So what if you’re watching Cartoon Network in your underwear on a Saturday morning? So what if you like playing MMORPGS for hours at a time? So what if you like singing out loud to your heart’s content? That’s who you are…who are they to tell you that you can’t? Give them the finger and just do what you got to do.
As Renton from Trainspotting said, gracefully…
“I'm going to change. This is the last of that sort of thing. Now I'm cleaning up and I'm moving on, going straight and choosing life. I'm looking forward to it already. I'm gonna be just like you. The job, the family, the fucking big television. The washing machine, the car, the compact disc and electric tin opener, good health, low cholesterol, dental insurance, mortgage, starter home, leisure wear, luggage, three piece suite, DIY, game shows, junk food, children, walks in the park, nine to five, good at golf, washing the car, choice of sweaters, family Christmas, indexed pension, tax exemption, clearing gutters, getting by, looking ahead, the day you die.”
So…I tell you, listen to all those punk rock songs in the past and LIVE. Live a balance, work and play. Be an adult as well as a kid. I mean sure, you could be fucking 40 for all I care, go to Toy Kingdom and buy a fucking Gameboy and play Pokemon if you want to. No one can stop you.
There’s no turning back, no going back. This is me, with a cigarette in my mouth, guitar in hand and a middle finger sticking out. This is me. Who are you?
I know a lot of people have been looking forward to my entries coz, the entries somewhat helps them out. I know, and I’m sorry.
A lot of things have happened since my last entry. A 2 week leave, drinking, smoking up, writing, playing, DVD-Marathoning and so-on and so-forth.
And though, I pretty much know what to do…It’s something I can’t tell you guys. You’ve seen what I’ve been up to, what I’ve been going through but the last and final step is something that you have to figure out yourself. But I can’t just leave you hanging, no…not that kind of person. So, I’m going to give you a couple of tips.
One thing I realized that probably screwed me up most was not being able to find balance. I realized that my subconscious has been getting stronger and stronger thus affecting me physically. I realized that it was because I was repressing too much. Repressing so much that I was keeping parts of me down, and not letting them up again.
Basically, in psychology terms, my id has been overpowered by my superego and my id has been trying to break free. And free it wants to be. Bottom line, I’m an adult sure. I need to worry about bills, making money and all but…if you lived like that…won’t it suck? And truth be told, I sucked big time. So here’s my advice. Be a kid. Not all the time, no…but when you feel the urge…do something child-like. Pop in a childish game onto your computer (installed Diablo 2 and Conan is now Lvl 26 BOOYAH!) Did some stupid stuff I wouldn’t normally do like…shave my head. I’m breaking the chains and once again living. Do something crazy like run out into the rain and letting the cool drops of water just wet you. Sleep in, lie in bed and just watch DVDs, indulge parts of you that haven’t seen the light of days for the longest time…like for me, the inner geek. Another part would be the Rockstar within…that’s why every night…I jam on my electric guitar for hours at a time just playing some hardcore rock n roll songs like “Rock You Like A Hurricane”, play some Winger, some Triumph as well as some Journey and KISS. Go out and forget all the other shit in your life and do something you enjoy, a guilty pleasure, some wacky dance you do…and you know what? JUST DON’T GIVE A FUCK. Sure you may play the guitar really bad and sure, you may look like a total ass dancing in public…but FUCK THAT. You are who you are. So what if you’re watching Cartoon Network in your underwear on a Saturday morning? So what if you like playing MMORPGS for hours at a time? So what if you like singing out loud to your heart’s content? That’s who you are…who are they to tell you that you can’t? Give them the finger and just do what you got to do.
As Renton from Trainspotting said, gracefully…
“I'm going to change. This is the last of that sort of thing. Now I'm cleaning up and I'm moving on, going straight and choosing life. I'm looking forward to it already. I'm gonna be just like you. The job, the family, the fucking big television. The washing machine, the car, the compact disc and electric tin opener, good health, low cholesterol, dental insurance, mortgage, starter home, leisure wear, luggage, three piece suite, DIY, game shows, junk food, children, walks in the park, nine to five, good at golf, washing the car, choice of sweaters, family Christmas, indexed pension, tax exemption, clearing gutters, getting by, looking ahead, the day you die.”
So…I tell you, listen to all those punk rock songs in the past and LIVE. Live a balance, work and play. Be an adult as well as a kid. I mean sure, you could be fucking 40 for all I care, go to Toy Kingdom and buy a fucking Gameboy and play Pokemon if you want to. No one can stop you.
There’s no turning back, no going back. This is me, with a cigarette in my mouth, guitar in hand and a middle finger sticking out. This is me. Who are you?
Monday, April 6, 2009
Days 25 to 33
It’s been a month already. It’s been a month since the hospital, a month since all the realizations, the crying, and the cursing.
It’s been a month of all these rants…which initially should’ve been a daily entry kinda thing…became a once-a-week kinda thing.
And, here goes…
As I write this entry, I’m sitting on my bed listening to an orchestra of cellists & violinists, I look back at the past month and try and see how much I’ve changed…If I even changed.
I re-read all my past entries trying to see things from a different perspective…trying to remember what drove me to write the earlier ones. And one thing I realized was that…I’m at peace. I’m not mad anymore…I’m not distraught. Not a squall of emotions waiting to blow up at any time. I’m at peace.
Since I started taking things into my own hands…I started re-realizing things about me. The past month, I’ve been seeing more old friends. The past month, I’ve been hanging out with people I haven’t seen for 2 years or more. The past month, I’ve slowly started letting go of my baggage one by one. I’ve started meeting new friends and hanging out with them. And so on and so forth.
Last Saturday…I finally met up with my college best friend after over 2 years of no talking or seeing each other. And to be honest…I felt really bad for not contacting him earlier. Looking back at things now, I was a big idiot for letting things get the way they were between us. After finishing a pack of cigarettes between us and talking for a good one hour felt nice.
Looking back at the month that went by I see that I have changed…though not drastically…I feel that I’ve slowly started fixing myself and the changes are showing. Though…there are things that I wish were different now and that there were things I regretted doing to get to this point but…I can’t give up now. I have to go on.
Though, I have changed…I’ve changed only a little bit. There are still a lot of things I have to fix, still a lot of loose ends that I have to tie up. I still have a long long way to go, but I found my momentum and found my strength…no, not from someone else…but from within me.
And…this is gonna go really cheesy now…but those of you who know how I used to write…know that I have to tie in something somewhere. And now, It’s a song from the Transformers Movie OST (not the live action, the REAL movie with Hot Rod, et al.) called “Dare”.
Sometimes when your hopes have all been shattered
And there's nowhere to turn
You wonder how you keep going
Think of all the things that really mattered
And the chances you've earned
The fire in your heart is growing
You can fly, if you try leaving the past behind
Heaven only knows what you might find
Dare - dare to believe you can survive
You hold the future in your hand
Dare - dare to keep all of your dreams alive
It's time to take a stand
And you can win, if you dare
Everybody's trying to break your spirit
Keeping you down
Seems like it's been forever
But there's another voice if you'll just hear it
Saying it's the last round
Looks like it's now or never
Out of the darkness you stumble into the light
Fighting for the things you know are right
Dare - dare to believe you can survive
The power is there at your command
Dare - dare to keep all of your dreams alive
It's time to take a stand
And you can win, if you dare
Dare - dare to believe you can survive
You hold the future in your hand
Dare - dare to keep all of your dreams alive
The power is there at your command
Dare - dare to keep all your love alive
Dare to be all you can be
Dare - 'cause there is a place where dreams survive
And it's calling you on to victory
So, there it is. Dare to believe you can survive. You hold the future in your hand. Dare, dare to keep all your dreams alive. It’s time to make a stand because you can fly if you try leaving the past behind.
Dare.
It’s been a month of all these rants…which initially should’ve been a daily entry kinda thing…became a once-a-week kinda thing.
And, here goes…
As I write this entry, I’m sitting on my bed listening to an orchestra of cellists & violinists, I look back at the past month and try and see how much I’ve changed…If I even changed.
I re-read all my past entries trying to see things from a different perspective…trying to remember what drove me to write the earlier ones. And one thing I realized was that…I’m at peace. I’m not mad anymore…I’m not distraught. Not a squall of emotions waiting to blow up at any time. I’m at peace.
Since I started taking things into my own hands…I started re-realizing things about me. The past month, I’ve been seeing more old friends. The past month, I’ve been hanging out with people I haven’t seen for 2 years or more. The past month, I’ve slowly started letting go of my baggage one by one. I’ve started meeting new friends and hanging out with them. And so on and so forth.
Last Saturday…I finally met up with my college best friend after over 2 years of no talking or seeing each other. And to be honest…I felt really bad for not contacting him earlier. Looking back at things now, I was a big idiot for letting things get the way they were between us. After finishing a pack of cigarettes between us and talking for a good one hour felt nice.
Looking back at the month that went by I see that I have changed…though not drastically…I feel that I’ve slowly started fixing myself and the changes are showing. Though…there are things that I wish were different now and that there were things I regretted doing to get to this point but…I can’t give up now. I have to go on.
Though, I have changed…I’ve changed only a little bit. There are still a lot of things I have to fix, still a lot of loose ends that I have to tie up. I still have a long long way to go, but I found my momentum and found my strength…no, not from someone else…but from within me.
And…this is gonna go really cheesy now…but those of you who know how I used to write…know that I have to tie in something somewhere. And now, It’s a song from the Transformers Movie OST (not the live action, the REAL movie with Hot Rod, et al.) called “Dare”.
Sometimes when your hopes have all been shattered
And there's nowhere to turn
You wonder how you keep going
Think of all the things that really mattered
And the chances you've earned
The fire in your heart is growing
You can fly, if you try leaving the past behind
Heaven only knows what you might find
Dare - dare to believe you can survive
You hold the future in your hand
Dare - dare to keep all of your dreams alive
It's time to take a stand
And you can win, if you dare
Everybody's trying to break your spirit
Keeping you down
Seems like it's been forever
But there's another voice if you'll just hear it
Saying it's the last round
Looks like it's now or never
Out of the darkness you stumble into the light
Fighting for the things you know are right
Dare - dare to believe you can survive
The power is there at your command
Dare - dare to keep all of your dreams alive
It's time to take a stand
And you can win, if you dare
Dare - dare to believe you can survive
You hold the future in your hand
Dare - dare to keep all of your dreams alive
The power is there at your command
Dare - dare to keep all your love alive
Dare to be all you can be
Dare - 'cause there is a place where dreams survive
And it's calling you on to victory
So, there it is. Dare to believe you can survive. You hold the future in your hand. Dare, dare to keep all your dreams alive. It’s time to make a stand because you can fly if you try leaving the past behind.
Dare.
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