There are some things you miss. You miss scents, tastes, sights as well as sounds…but one thing I’ve been missing a lot the past week has been the company of a certain person. We agreed to take some time apart from each other due to the issues I’ve been having as well as other things…and I agreed. Though, I didn’t want to…but since that friend asked me…I said yes.
The past week, much like other weeks has been like an elevator, having both ups as well as downs. But, the elevator that was my life the past week, has been visiting the ground floors a lot. Found out, one of my close friends has experienced what I’m currently experiencing a long time ago…but not her of course, but rather…someone special in her life. And she’s been giving me advise as well as helping me out a long the way by guiding me and showing me the right direction.
And towards the end of the week, I found out that another close friend of mine is starting to feel like what I’ve been feeling…and what do we do? We talk.
Lonely nights have started coming again…everyone too busy to hang out…everyone too busy to have a bit of a chat. However, one company I’ve been having around a lot lately has been my guitar.
Slowly, one chord at a time, after every gentle strum of the guitar…I start feeling better. Fingertips bleeding from the steel strings that have crusts of blood and rust coating them due to being holed up in the closet for over a year.
Slowly, one chord at a time, after every gentle strum of the guitar…I start feeling better…listening to songs in my massive MP3 collection and playing to them, trying to find the right note, the right chord, the right fret and right string.
Slowly, one chord at a time, after every gentle strum of the guitar…I release all my frustrations, all my fears as well as doubts. Not caring about whatever is happening outside the bubble that is me and my guitar.
Slowly, one chord at a time, after every gentle strum of the guitar…I remember a movie, “Stranger Than Fiction” which starred Will Ferrel, about him finding out his imminent demise and how he started changing the way he lived…and in turn…started to live:
“With every awkward strum, despite his approaching demise, Harold felt a little more at peace. Harold no longer ate alone…He no longer counted brush strokes…He no longer worried about the time it took to put on his tie...He no longer counted his steps to the bus stop…Instead, Harold did that which had terrified him before. That which eluded him Monday thru Friday for so many years…That which the unrelenting lyrics of those numerous punk rock songs told him to do…Harold Crick lived his life. And with every strum, he became stronger in who he was, what he wanted, and why he was alive. But despite resuscitating his life, reviving his hope and developing a few wicked calluses, Harold’s journey was still incomplete. And Harold’s wristwatch wasn’t about to let him miss another opportunity…”
Maybe…that’s what I need to do. Rather than worry about everything, panic and “brood” about everything…I need to learn how to live again. Just as I did before, giving a big fuck you to the world, living, balls out and…free.
And with every chord, every strum of my guitar…I release all my inhibitions, all my frustrations, all my woes, my cares…and just play.
With every chord, with every strum of my guitar…I live.
Saturday, March 28, 2009
Saturday, March 21, 2009
Days 14 to 17
I lost a dear friend today (Day 17). I lost her due to my stupidity and being incredibly screwed up. I was highly unfair to her by using her as an emotional punching bag…and as some people know, is not a good thing, given what I’ve been keeping deep down inside.
The past 4 days focused on that event…the slow deterioration of a friendship due to an act of needing validation from someone. I tried so hard to hold on and not to fall apart. I tried so hard but I guess I was able to do it.
This event woke me up. Losing a really close friend due to my issues and current circumstance was the last thing I wanted to happen…and that friend was someone I wanted to be with me as I go through and try and fix the different issues I have.
I realized that I have been “using” people too much. Fixating too much on them and making their problems mine made me forget about the things I was going through. And by helping them out, I felt validated for my existence or at least…it made me feel important. I hated the fact that I was strong and hanging out with her, I felt I could be vulnerable…but rather than being vulnerable, I ended up exploiting it which was unfair for her. For every little thing that fell on my plate, I went to her using her as a security blanket, telling me that everything was going to be okay…little did I know that nothing was going to be okay with my continuously doing that.
I need to learn how to be self-sufficient. I need to stop relying on people to make me feel important. I need to stop battering my friends and loved ones with the crap that’s going on with me and learn how to be a man and stand up and face my demons by myself. I need to remember that this is MY battle, and I shouldn’t drag anyone else in it.
Finally, the battle has brought on its first casualty…my friendship with my really dear friend. I just pray to God that after I deal with my demons…that I can still salvage the friendship we once had.
I need to stop fucking whining about everything. I need to stop being a black hole and finally stand up and do something about it. I need to learn how to rely on myself and learn what it is I’m capable of and I need to be happy with what I have. I need to learn that my torturing myself, my endless whining and complaining will not get me anywhere.
I need to fix myself. I need to fix myself fast. I need to prove to her, to everyone that I can be better…that I can be a better person.
I need to prove to myself that I am a better person.
This needs to stop, right here, right now. I’ve probably lost too much already given my current state and I don’t think I’d be able to stand losing anymore. I need that leave as soon as possible so I can really fix myself. I need to fix myself…I need to fix everything in my life. I need to fix my outlook in life and with it,…fix myself.
I have to...I just have to.
The past 4 days focused on that event…the slow deterioration of a friendship due to an act of needing validation from someone. I tried so hard to hold on and not to fall apart. I tried so hard but I guess I was able to do it.
This event woke me up. Losing a really close friend due to my issues and current circumstance was the last thing I wanted to happen…and that friend was someone I wanted to be with me as I go through and try and fix the different issues I have.
I realized that I have been “using” people too much. Fixating too much on them and making their problems mine made me forget about the things I was going through. And by helping them out, I felt validated for my existence or at least…it made me feel important. I hated the fact that I was strong and hanging out with her, I felt I could be vulnerable…but rather than being vulnerable, I ended up exploiting it which was unfair for her. For every little thing that fell on my plate, I went to her using her as a security blanket, telling me that everything was going to be okay…little did I know that nothing was going to be okay with my continuously doing that.
I need to learn how to be self-sufficient. I need to stop relying on people to make me feel important. I need to stop battering my friends and loved ones with the crap that’s going on with me and learn how to be a man and stand up and face my demons by myself. I need to remember that this is MY battle, and I shouldn’t drag anyone else in it.
Finally, the battle has brought on its first casualty…my friendship with my really dear friend. I just pray to God that after I deal with my demons…that I can still salvage the friendship we once had.
I need to stop fucking whining about everything. I need to stop being a black hole and finally stand up and do something about it. I need to learn how to rely on myself and learn what it is I’m capable of and I need to be happy with what I have. I need to learn that my torturing myself, my endless whining and complaining will not get me anywhere.
I need to fix myself. I need to fix myself fast. I need to prove to her, to everyone that I can be better…that I can be a better person.
I need to prove to myself that I am a better person.
This needs to stop, right here, right now. I’ve probably lost too much already given my current state and I don’t think I’d be able to stand losing anymore. I need that leave as soon as possible so I can really fix myself. I need to fix myself…I need to fix everything in my life. I need to fix my outlook in life and with it,…fix myself.
I have to...I just have to.
Tuesday, March 17, 2009
Days 5 to 13
Let’s just say the past week has been an emotional roller coaster ride for me. Coming from days 3 & 4, I saw myself coming back to the office. Busy with an upcoming shoot, I didn’t have time to reflect or even think about what I was going through coz I was on overdrive the whole day. The day ended really crappy coz I felt like I was e sent for the slaughter presenting materials that I had no idea about (my fault for not being briefed on it). Trying to hold everything together and make sure that I keep strong for the work that I do which I have to admit has been slipping of late.
This feeling carried on to Tuesday where I had too much things to do, and honestly, I was lacking both the physical as well as emotional energy for everything. I just wanted to stop and break down. On to the shoot, it went pretty much normally, not really having to do much, I was able to sit back and think and talk to people. Getting advice from friends from work. However, that evening, something blew up in my face. I didn’t know what to do or what to think anymore and to be honest I was scared. I was confronted once again by my close friend for something and I didn’t know what to do anymore, I tried my best to hang on and keep strong. After that long talk, I was able to release a lot of my frustrations. And I noticed that…after that long talk, we were able to hang out like we did before. Before the drama, before the issues…just a normal hang out. And to add to it, I got this in the mail:
“You are the sweet and sinful voice
that wakens my dawns and brightens my afternoons.
You are the sinful music that weakens my sentiments
and sings to my heart the lost passions of romance.
Through those eyes you saw me- hiding behind my mask and sorrowful disguise
And through those eyes you loved me- (sorry had to take this out for anonymity) - all equally.
You sacrifice silence in return for the music of my sadness.
You give up sleep to watch my plain and unattractive grace.
You saw the little girl inside me who longs to be loved.
And the little girls wishes for you to stay.
In your silence, I find myself seeking for you.
While you sleep, I search for you.
In your absence- I miss you.
You are the voice that keeps me alive, and without you- I will fall again.
I am still weak and wounded. I can’t face the world alone-
not yet- not without you beside me.
But I can’t say “I love you.” No.
I can’t give you my heart and soul the way I have offered my eternity to him.
Not now. Not yet. Maybe, never.
Someday, you would have to leave the little girl.
Maybe. And on that day, she will let you go.
Not because she wouldn’t fight for you- but because she has to.
Given this, I want you to know:
You are the sweet voice that I search for in simple things.
You are the laughter that I desire to hear when I can’t smile.
You are the boy that my heart looks for when my music is gone.
You are the voice that I love.
Thank you for everything.
Thank you, Michel.”
A different view on things, seeing that the different things that I do in life, talking to people, helping them out…that I did indeed help people…and it felt good. The following day in work, I felt rejuvenated. I felt renewed and probably found the thing to ignite the fire I had before. But as I have learned that day…what was easily built…could be torn down as easily as well. Found out I screwed up even more with work that easily knocked that second wind out of me. I broke down…then and there. I broke down trying, forcing myself not to break down. Trying so hard to hold on, I didn’t want to break and lose all that hard work that I’ve done to feel better. And…another thing I learned, every dog has his day. I was given an opportunity to exercise my skills and fix something that seemed doomed to begin with, of course…with the help from my friends.
The next day, working for over 36 hours straight…I saw myself tireless and strong. I felt the strength I couldn’t find the past days, weeks and even months. Doing everything that I had to and even stuff that weren’t asked of me. And…I felt rejuvenated.
I didn’t let go. I didn’t let go. I kept that strength with me. I made sure that I had to be strong and that if I kept my momentum, I’d find that I can do it. I realized that I do achieve things, that though I do fuck up…there are times that I do Herculean feats which amaze anyone and everyone.
And this weekend…was the first time after a long long time where I was able to hang out with my close close friend…and hanging out with her, felt refreshing. Nothing of the past conversations we’ve been having, just a normal care-not, will-not attitude and just relax and laugh and talk about anything and everything. Seeing old friends, both from work as well as from school, talking to them and getting their take on things helped me realize who I am…and what I have to do.
I’m tired of crying. I’m tired of breaking down. I’m tired of complaining and whining. Now’s the time that I start fixing my life.
Look at me, watch me now. This is me, taking my life by the reigns and steering it wherever I want it to go. I am finally taking charge once again. And now is finally the start of fixing myself, one step at a time…slowly but surely.
I will get better, I am feeling better…and I know that I HAVE to get better because of all the people that are cheering me on, and wanting me to get better.
I won’t let them down. I won’t let YOU down. I made a promise. And it’s a promise that I intend to keep.
This feeling carried on to Tuesday where I had too much things to do, and honestly, I was lacking both the physical as well as emotional energy for everything. I just wanted to stop and break down. On to the shoot, it went pretty much normally, not really having to do much, I was able to sit back and think and talk to people. Getting advice from friends from work. However, that evening, something blew up in my face. I didn’t know what to do or what to think anymore and to be honest I was scared. I was confronted once again by my close friend for something and I didn’t know what to do anymore, I tried my best to hang on and keep strong. After that long talk, I was able to release a lot of my frustrations. And I noticed that…after that long talk, we were able to hang out like we did before. Before the drama, before the issues…just a normal hang out. And to add to it, I got this in the mail:
“You are the sweet and sinful voice
that wakens my dawns and brightens my afternoons.
You are the sinful music that weakens my sentiments
and sings to my heart the lost passions of romance.
Through those eyes you saw me- hiding behind my mask and sorrowful disguise
And through those eyes you loved me- (sorry had to take this out for anonymity) - all equally.
You sacrifice silence in return for the music of my sadness.
You give up sleep to watch my plain and unattractive grace.
You saw the little girl inside me who longs to be loved.
And the little girls wishes for you to stay.
In your silence, I find myself seeking for you.
While you sleep, I search for you.
In your absence- I miss you.
You are the voice that keeps me alive, and without you- I will fall again.
I am still weak and wounded. I can’t face the world alone-
not yet- not without you beside me.
But I can’t say “I love you.” No.
I can’t give you my heart and soul the way I have offered my eternity to him.
Not now. Not yet. Maybe, never.
Someday, you would have to leave the little girl.
Maybe. And on that day, she will let you go.
Not because she wouldn’t fight for you- but because she has to.
Given this, I want you to know:
You are the sweet voice that I search for in simple things.
You are the laughter that I desire to hear when I can’t smile.
You are the boy that my heart looks for when my music is gone.
You are the voice that I love.
Thank you for everything.
Thank you, Michel.”
A different view on things, seeing that the different things that I do in life, talking to people, helping them out…that I did indeed help people…and it felt good. The following day in work, I felt rejuvenated. I felt renewed and probably found the thing to ignite the fire I had before. But as I have learned that day…what was easily built…could be torn down as easily as well. Found out I screwed up even more with work that easily knocked that second wind out of me. I broke down…then and there. I broke down trying, forcing myself not to break down. Trying so hard to hold on, I didn’t want to break and lose all that hard work that I’ve done to feel better. And…another thing I learned, every dog has his day. I was given an opportunity to exercise my skills and fix something that seemed doomed to begin with, of course…with the help from my friends.
The next day, working for over 36 hours straight…I saw myself tireless and strong. I felt the strength I couldn’t find the past days, weeks and even months. Doing everything that I had to and even stuff that weren’t asked of me. And…I felt rejuvenated.
I didn’t let go. I didn’t let go. I kept that strength with me. I made sure that I had to be strong and that if I kept my momentum, I’d find that I can do it. I realized that I do achieve things, that though I do fuck up…there are times that I do Herculean feats which amaze anyone and everyone.
And this weekend…was the first time after a long long time where I was able to hang out with my close close friend…and hanging out with her, felt refreshing. Nothing of the past conversations we’ve been having, just a normal care-not, will-not attitude and just relax and laugh and talk about anything and everything. Seeing old friends, both from work as well as from school, talking to them and getting their take on things helped me realize who I am…and what I have to do.
I’m tired of crying. I’m tired of breaking down. I’m tired of complaining and whining. Now’s the time that I start fixing my life.
Look at me, watch me now. This is me, taking my life by the reigns and steering it wherever I want it to go. I am finally taking charge once again. And now is finally the start of fixing myself, one step at a time…slowly but surely.
I will get better, I am feeling better…and I know that I HAVE to get better because of all the people that are cheering me on, and wanting me to get better.
I won’t let them down. I won’t let YOU down. I made a promise. And it’s a promise that I intend to keep.
Sunday, March 8, 2009
Day 3 & 4
A lot of things happened over the weekend. Meeting up with old friends and getting shit-faced drunk, going to mass and almost breaking down in church...and I was able to realize a lot of things.
Ever since I was little, I’ve always wanted to be the hero. Growing up, watching Bioman, Shaider, Masked Rider Black, even the Power Rangers, I’ve grown to admire them…selfless, never thinking about the danger that they could be putting themselves through, just making sure that everyone’s safe and sound in the end.
Ever since I was little, I wanted to be one of them. I wanted to clench my fists, do a stupid pose and transform into something more than human, able to take on all of life’s challenges, whether it be a giant robot sent by Dr. Man, Monsters roaming the streets terrorizing people, or even just helping a little girl who’s sad cause she can’t find her puppy. I’ve always wanted to be the hero who saves the day.
I’ve always wanted to be the hero. I wanted to save everyone, be selfless, be magnanimous. I wanted to protect everyone around me and make sure that none of them ever got hurt, ever felt sad, ever had any problems.
I wanted to be stronger. I wanted to be more powerful so that I could keep things like what happened to my lolo, from happening to anyone else. I wanted to be stronger, more powerful so that I could protect my friends and loved ones from assholes in the world that would kidnap, rape, steal and even murder. I wanted to be stronger. I wanted to be more powerful so that I could protect everyone around me. Keep them from any danger. I wanted to be a hero.
You see, I’ve always believed that with great power comes great responsibility…and I know that I have great power within me. No, I don’t have superhuman strength, I don’t have lightning fast speed or a magical ring that could create matter out of my imagination…or the very least spider-like powers. The power that I had…was my heart, my imagination, my perseverance, my strength. And with that power that I had…I knew that with it comes great responsibility. And I believed that I had to be responsible for my loved ones, my friends…the people around me.
But, life wasn’t like those shows I stated above. Good doesn’t always triumph over evil. The Biomen don’t always win against Dr. Man, Shaider doesn’t always get out of the Strange World Fuuma, Masked Rider Black doesn’t always get to finish off Gorgom’s Mutants with his Rider Kick. In my world, happy endings come as often as sad endings. And, whenever I failed, whenever I did the opposite, caused someone pain, rather than relief, caused someone sadness rather than happiness, whenever I fail to save the day…I’d beat myself up for it. I’d blame myself for not saving the day. I’d blame myself for doing the wrong thing, rather than the right thing. I’d blame myself and I’d keep that blame with me…till the bitter end.
And because of that, the pressure of all of that baggage, of trying to save everyone is finally taking its toll on me. I’ve been beating myself up too much, I’ve been feeling sorry for myself and I’ve lost that flame within me that I used to have. I mean, if you’ve failed so many times…could you really blame me?
Though, I want to…though I want to save everyone, I have to learn that I cannot. I’m not God. I’m not Superman. I don’t have a Bio-Controller that helps me transform into a Bioman to help fight evil, I don’t have the Kingstone to help me “Henshin” into Mask Rider Black, I don’t have Vavilos that would transform into a giant gun to blast away evil. I have to learn that I cannot save everyone. I have to learn that I cannot save the world. I have to stop beating myself up for not being able to save the world. I need to learn that I am not like the Biomen, Mask Rider Black, or Shaider. I cannot save the world on a daily basis. I cannot save everyone. No matter how hard I try, no matter how strong or fast I get…I cannot save everyone. I need to realize that. I cannot beat myself up for every bad thing that happens to my friends that was outside my power. I cannot beat myself up for every evil thing in the world. I cannot save everyone, much less the world.
Ever since I was little, I’ve always wanted to be the hero. Growing up, watching Bioman, Shaider, Masked Rider Black, even the Power Rangers, I’ve grown to admire them…selfless, never thinking about the danger that they could be putting themselves through, just making sure that everyone’s safe and sound in the end.
Ever since I was little, I wanted to be one of them. I wanted to clench my fists, do a stupid pose and transform into something more than human, able to take on all of life’s challenges, whether it be a giant robot sent by Dr. Man, Monsters roaming the streets terrorizing people, or even just helping a little girl who’s sad cause she can’t find her puppy. I’ve always wanted to be the hero who saves the day.
I’ve always wanted to be the hero. I wanted to save everyone, be selfless, be magnanimous. I wanted to protect everyone around me and make sure that none of them ever got hurt, ever felt sad, ever had any problems.
I wanted to be stronger. I wanted to be more powerful so that I could keep things like what happened to my lolo, from happening to anyone else. I wanted to be stronger, more powerful so that I could protect my friends and loved ones from assholes in the world that would kidnap, rape, steal and even murder. I wanted to be stronger. I wanted to be more powerful so that I could protect everyone around me. Keep them from any danger. I wanted to be a hero.
You see, I’ve always believed that with great power comes great responsibility…and I know that I have great power within me. No, I don’t have superhuman strength, I don’t have lightning fast speed or a magical ring that could create matter out of my imagination…or the very least spider-like powers. The power that I had…was my heart, my imagination, my perseverance, my strength. And with that power that I had…I knew that with it comes great responsibility. And I believed that I had to be responsible for my loved ones, my friends…the people around me.
But, life wasn’t like those shows I stated above. Good doesn’t always triumph over evil. The Biomen don’t always win against Dr. Man, Shaider doesn’t always get out of the Strange World Fuuma, Masked Rider Black doesn’t always get to finish off Gorgom’s Mutants with his Rider Kick. In my world, happy endings come as often as sad endings. And, whenever I failed, whenever I did the opposite, caused someone pain, rather than relief, caused someone sadness rather than happiness, whenever I fail to save the day…I’d beat myself up for it. I’d blame myself for not saving the day. I’d blame myself for doing the wrong thing, rather than the right thing. I’d blame myself and I’d keep that blame with me…till the bitter end.
And because of that, the pressure of all of that baggage, of trying to save everyone is finally taking its toll on me. I’ve been beating myself up too much, I’ve been feeling sorry for myself and I’ve lost that flame within me that I used to have. I mean, if you’ve failed so many times…could you really blame me?
Though, I want to…though I want to save everyone, I have to learn that I cannot. I’m not God. I’m not Superman. I don’t have a Bio-Controller that helps me transform into a Bioman to help fight evil, I don’t have the Kingstone to help me “Henshin” into Mask Rider Black, I don’t have Vavilos that would transform into a giant gun to blast away evil. I have to learn that I cannot save everyone. I have to learn that I cannot save the world. I have to stop beating myself up for not being able to save the world. I need to learn that I am not like the Biomen, Mask Rider Black, or Shaider. I cannot save the world on a daily basis. I cannot save everyone. No matter how hard I try, no matter how strong or fast I get…I cannot save everyone. I need to realize that. I cannot beat myself up for every bad thing that happens to my friends that was outside my power. I cannot beat myself up for every evil thing in the world. I cannot save everyone, much less the world.
Friday, March 6, 2009
Day 2 Part 2
I thought that Day 2's entry was over and done with but alas, I was wrong.
One thing that I realized, thanks to my former partner was that as I click on "Publish Post" at the bottom, it automatically updates my Multiply Blog...so more and more people are now aware of my current state. As Nat told me earlier this afternoon, "Don't melt down in public! Don't melt down in public!". Thanks Nat.
I had a really long talk with my boss earlier this morning which put a new spin on things. Though I was trying hard not to look it, people around me were starting to see it. They had a feeling that all the things I were feeling physically were all psycho-somatic and that my active imagination and all the emotional and physical stress I've been putting myself under has finally taken its toll.
I never imagined how lost I was before talking to her. I honestly don't know what it is I can do, or have to do to fix things. But crying to her helped a lot actually. Though I'm still lost...I know that people aren't abandoning me as I originally thought. I know that there are friends there to send me inspirational music, type lyrics over YM, tell me about how they stole their neighbor's running magazine (yes, stole) and how they plan on giving it back, and so on and so forth.
Looking back, I know that people out there really care about me. Having an old blockmate in the Middle East track down a good therapist for me, or having a good friend in BBDO Singapore give me a pep-talk over ym for an hour telling me how I should take a month off from work and go to Thailand and flirt with girls there...and how she was willing to email the higher ups in the office to let me go on such a long leave. Or, how about having a friend I've only spoken to verbally once or twice help me out by sharing with me her therapy stories and how sometimes, putting a psychiatrist's office next to pediatrics was a bad idea. Or how another friend gave me the inspiration to make something out of what I was doing by writing. (Plug: "Ballet de Minuit" to be out soon)
But one thing that caught my attention today was how a friend of mine applauded what I was doing. By sharing with the world my experiences and what I'm going through so that in the future, if someone was feeling the way I am now, they'd see what I went through and would know what to do or what not to do. She said that she was honored to be my friend and that what I was doing, the commitment as well as the insight that I'm putting into this was extraordinary.
Even my mom called me up and asked me how I was feeling and she finally somewhat understood what I was going through and told me that she was there if I needed anyone to talk to.
Looking at all these people, looking at all they've done for me, doing for me...and I see that I am worth something. With all these friends and family gathering around creating a safety net, rather than being a marathon running by myself, I'm now climbing a mountain face, and if I slip and fall, someone's there willing to catch me and help me back up. (Thanks guys)
Though, on a normal basis, all these people expecting me to get better would give me added pressure, it's more of they're lending me their strength that though they can't do anything tangible, etc. they're willing to lend me their strength so that I can carry on and go through this quest of mine.
Standing on the edge, I look down not in despair but rather in hope, that I have faith in myself that I can go on, that I can do this...if not for myself, but for everyone waiting for me on the other side.
Thank you, and goodnight.
One thing that I realized, thanks to my former partner was that as I click on "Publish Post" at the bottom, it automatically updates my Multiply Blog...so more and more people are now aware of my current state. As Nat told me earlier this afternoon, "Don't melt down in public! Don't melt down in public!". Thanks Nat.
I had a really long talk with my boss earlier this morning which put a new spin on things. Though I was trying hard not to look it, people around me were starting to see it. They had a feeling that all the things I were feeling physically were all psycho-somatic and that my active imagination and all the emotional and physical stress I've been putting myself under has finally taken its toll.
I never imagined how lost I was before talking to her. I honestly don't know what it is I can do, or have to do to fix things. But crying to her helped a lot actually. Though I'm still lost...I know that people aren't abandoning me as I originally thought. I know that there are friends there to send me inspirational music, type lyrics over YM, tell me about how they stole their neighbor's running magazine (yes, stole) and how they plan on giving it back, and so on and so forth.
Looking back, I know that people out there really care about me. Having an old blockmate in the Middle East track down a good therapist for me, or having a good friend in BBDO Singapore give me a pep-talk over ym for an hour telling me how I should take a month off from work and go to Thailand and flirt with girls there...and how she was willing to email the higher ups in the office to let me go on such a long leave. Or, how about having a friend I've only spoken to verbally once or twice help me out by sharing with me her therapy stories and how sometimes, putting a psychiatrist's office next to pediatrics was a bad idea. Or how another friend gave me the inspiration to make something out of what I was doing by writing. (Plug: "Ballet de Minuit" to be out soon)
But one thing that caught my attention today was how a friend of mine applauded what I was doing. By sharing with the world my experiences and what I'm going through so that in the future, if someone was feeling the way I am now, they'd see what I went through and would know what to do or what not to do. She said that she was honored to be my friend and that what I was doing, the commitment as well as the insight that I'm putting into this was extraordinary.
Even my mom called me up and asked me how I was feeling and she finally somewhat understood what I was going through and told me that she was there if I needed anyone to talk to.
Looking at all these people, looking at all they've done for me, doing for me...and I see that I am worth something. With all these friends and family gathering around creating a safety net, rather than being a marathon running by myself, I'm now climbing a mountain face, and if I slip and fall, someone's there willing to catch me and help me back up. (Thanks guys)
Though, on a normal basis, all these people expecting me to get better would give me added pressure, it's more of they're lending me their strength that though they can't do anything tangible, etc. they're willing to lend me their strength so that I can carry on and go through this quest of mine.
Standing on the edge, I look down not in despair but rather in hope, that I have faith in myself that I can go on, that I can do this...if not for myself, but for everyone waiting for me on the other side.
Thank you, and goodnight.
Thursday, March 5, 2009
Day 2
I finally know what’s wrong with me. Why I’ve been feeling like this for a long time.
Given the past year, all I’ve thought about myself, given everything that’s been happening is that I’m just one big fuck up.
Starting off with almost losing Philam due to carelessness with my former partner late 2007 directly followed up by screwing up one of the biggest projects we had 2007-2008 which needed the two top people in the office to step in.
Then my new boss came in and in the beginning with her constant screaming and getting mad at me for being careless and shit that was always together with my car client’s constant cursing and getting mad at me. To add, countless other clients calling me and screaming at me as well and to top it all off, Singapore Region for my solo account calling me and telling me I’m a crappy AE.
All of these things have made me even more insecure about myself, making me feel like I’m not good for anything just following other people’s orders. No matter what I’ve tried no matter what I did, I still ended up fucking something up one way or another. I mean look at how I am now with this good friend of mine, fucked that up as well.
The thing is…with all these fucking up and shit, I don’t feel as if I’m excelling at all in what I’m doing. Deep in my mind, I know that one way or another I’ll screw something up. So, rather than taking the initiative and doing other stuff on the side, being afraid of making a mistake and getting others mad at me, I just end up sitting down and following orders. I mean, whenever I take the initiative to do something, someone always gets mad at me…whether it be going to FGDs to better understand the market to…I dunno, buying a friend dinner and bringing it over to her house at night.
Outside of work, other things are making me even more insecure. 2007 where a friend basically gave me her FINAL NO coz she doesn’t want to be part of a relationship but after a couple of months, starts dating. My parents still criticizing everything I do and don’t trust me at all for anything.
All these things, all these factors have been pushing me down…pushing me down, down lower than I’ve ever been and even if I do something “extraordinary”, it’s either someone else is praised for it, or something else happens that just forces me back down.
All the stress, all the bullshit that I have to go through each day feeling that I’m not worth a damn to anyone for anything. I’m just here to follow what clients want and tell to creatives. The little chance I have to show off, I can’t.
There…I finally know what the fuck my problem is, now the second part is trying to figure a way to fix it.
Day 1
After weeks of being down, I was finally confronted by my friends saying that I've been too down, that I've been being too self destructive and that I'm starting to be a danger to myself...and that everyone around me is starting to worry big time.
Though this is going to be a long and hard journey...it's been made clear to me that this is something I have to do ALONE. People are telling me left and right that they're not abandoning me but what the fuck?! Everyone is. It's like they're leaving me on a chair and just patting my shoulder wishing me luck and leaving the room never to see them again till I'm all "fixed".
I'm sorry to say this is seriously FUCKED UP. You can tell I'm pissed. I'm sorry to say but I am.
I mean, I'm not being abandoned but I can't ask anyone for help when I absolutely need it?! Ugh.
Part 1: Afraid
I'm scared shitless.
I've always known that I'm my own worst enemy but to think that it'd get stronger and manifest itself against me in such a way that...well, it's hurting me now...not only emotionally and mentally but physically as well.
I was asked earlier why I was afraid. And here's why...Like I've said before, I'm scared of myself...what I'm capable of doing. I mean, who's ever heard of someone who's afraid of his own limitless capabilities right? But one thing I've thought of and kept close to my heart is that "Power Corrupts, and Absolute Power Corrupts Absolutely".
The thing I'm going through now...entails much more internalization than I'd ever experienced before. This journey I'll be going through is something I've never done before...I know madrama to death but please...hear me out. This whole thing is a fight between me and myself and the battlefield is in my enemy's home court...here (points to head for added dramatic effect).
Another reason why I'm afraid is that...this is something I have to go through alone. And, to be honest...after I was asked me to start opening up and stuff and letting people in, I've been more open to people and the fact that I have people around with me that I can ask help for has been a comforting thought, a security blanket of sorts. But now, it's like I'll be running the marathon by myself and all of you guys will just watch on the sidelines some cheering me on, some waiting for me to fail. It's like my first day of school ever and there's my mom leaving me at the school's gate wishing me good luck.
I'm scared because I don't know if this is something I can do by myself. I mean, I know I can, I definitely can, it's just that like a kid, sometimes you'd feel safer...more confident if someone held your hand once in a while.
Another reason why I'm afraid is that I may not like what I find out. Would it make me a better person? Or a bad person? It's like I'm Pandora with a box but I don't know what's inside my box.
Part 2: Initial Thoughts
I am seriously lost...I don't know what to do or where to start. Here are people offering me solutions left and right and I don't even know what the problem is. I mean, is it my getting psycho-somatic shit? Is it the stress? Is it work? Is it something as specific as that? Or is it something bigger?
I mean...is it solved by something as simple as resigning? taking a break? I mean, what guarantee do I have that it'll be better after that? I mean...what is MY problem?
That's something I've been trying to understand, trying to think of coz as soon as i understand...then I'd probably know where to go for a start.
Another thing that's been bugging me is that...what do I want to achieve? What's my goal? just to be better? is there something more specific? Or wholisitc wellness?
I honestly don't know and I'm seriously lost.
Part 3: Preliminaries
Amidst the busy day at work and chatting with random people online, Maica threw a word at me which caught me off guard. She said that I was probably depressed. At first I laughed it off and said impossible. But looking back...that may be the reason behind my behavior of late. I know I said I was depressed a couple of long emails back but...maybe that was just scratching the surface. I may be more depressed than I thought. The lack of appetite, the subconscious self-destructive tendencies, the fact that I've been crying more and more versus over 15 years of no tears and so on and so forth.
Rather than the normal "awww...I'm depressed" maybe it's the clinical depression...something that I've known deep down inside but have been in denial about. For all I know, it could be deep-rooted insecurities and stuff but I choose not to believe in them.
Maybe I really am depressed...hence the no gana to work, the lack of energy and enthusiasm. I mean even Eric told me I stopped smiling in the office.
I honestly don't know. I don't know what's wrong with me...I don't know at all. I mean, here I am confused and lost as hell and it's fucking making me insane.
Part 4: Initial decision
I guess the safest thing I can do now, rather than doing something drastic like resigning and stuff would probably seek professional help. I mean, most of the afternoon, i've been googling around looking for good psychiatrists in the Philippines that are reasonably priced versus the ones I'd find in Medical City that cost 2k per session. Sigh.
Another thing I'm thinking about is going back to writing. Given myself and my thoughts, I might be able to find something out if I write something. Hence this blog where I can see how well I'm doing and probably write another story/book and see if I might inject some subconscious shit into that.
Maica asked me to come over to her house with Maggie this Saturday to help me out. Not really help me out but help me figure things out at first to find out what it is that I have to do. Sigh....I dunno I honestly don't know anymore.
Whoever thought the road to self-awareness and feeling better was this strainous and stressful? nyeta.
Day 1 passed, now...tomorrow's the hard part.
Though this is going to be a long and hard journey...it's been made clear to me that this is something I have to do ALONE. People are telling me left and right that they're not abandoning me but what the fuck?! Everyone is. It's like they're leaving me on a chair and just patting my shoulder wishing me luck and leaving the room never to see them again till I'm all "fixed".
I'm sorry to say this is seriously FUCKED UP. You can tell I'm pissed. I'm sorry to say but I am.
I mean, I'm not being abandoned but I can't ask anyone for help when I absolutely need it?! Ugh.
Part 1: Afraid
I'm scared shitless.
I've always known that I'm my own worst enemy but to think that it'd get stronger and manifest itself against me in such a way that...well, it's hurting me now...not only emotionally and mentally but physically as well.
I was asked earlier why I was afraid. And here's why...Like I've said before, I'm scared of myself...what I'm capable of doing. I mean, who's ever heard of someone who's afraid of his own limitless capabilities right? But one thing I've thought of and kept close to my heart is that "Power Corrupts, and Absolute Power Corrupts Absolutely".
The thing I'm going through now...entails much more internalization than I'd ever experienced before. This journey I'll be going through is something I've never done before...I know madrama to death but please...hear me out. This whole thing is a fight between me and myself and the battlefield is in my enemy's home court...here (points to head for added dramatic effect).
Another reason why I'm afraid is that...this is something I have to go through alone. And, to be honest...after I was asked me to start opening up and stuff and letting people in, I've been more open to people and the fact that I have people around with me that I can ask help for has been a comforting thought, a security blanket of sorts. But now, it's like I'll be running the marathon by myself and all of you guys will just watch on the sidelines some cheering me on, some waiting for me to fail. It's like my first day of school ever and there's my mom leaving me at the school's gate wishing me good luck.
I'm scared because I don't know if this is something I can do by myself. I mean, I know I can, I definitely can, it's just that like a kid, sometimes you'd feel safer...more confident if someone held your hand once in a while.
Another reason why I'm afraid is that I may not like what I find out. Would it make me a better person? Or a bad person? It's like I'm Pandora with a box but I don't know what's inside my box.
Part 2: Initial Thoughts
I am seriously lost...I don't know what to do or where to start. Here are people offering me solutions left and right and I don't even know what the problem is. I mean, is it my getting psycho-somatic shit? Is it the stress? Is it work? Is it something as specific as that? Or is it something bigger?
I mean...is it solved by something as simple as resigning? taking a break? I mean, what guarantee do I have that it'll be better after that? I mean...what is MY problem?
That's something I've been trying to understand, trying to think of coz as soon as i understand...then I'd probably know where to go for a start.
Another thing that's been bugging me is that...what do I want to achieve? What's my goal? just to be better? is there something more specific? Or wholisitc wellness?
I honestly don't know and I'm seriously lost.
Part 3: Preliminaries
Amidst the busy day at work and chatting with random people online, Maica threw a word at me which caught me off guard. She said that I was probably depressed. At first I laughed it off and said impossible. But looking back...that may be the reason behind my behavior of late. I know I said I was depressed a couple of long emails back but...maybe that was just scratching the surface. I may be more depressed than I thought. The lack of appetite, the subconscious self-destructive tendencies, the fact that I've been crying more and more versus over 15 years of no tears and so on and so forth.
Rather than the normal "awww...I'm depressed" maybe it's the clinical depression...something that I've known deep down inside but have been in denial about. For all I know, it could be deep-rooted insecurities and stuff but I choose not to believe in them.
Maybe I really am depressed...hence the no gana to work, the lack of energy and enthusiasm. I mean even Eric told me I stopped smiling in the office.
I honestly don't know. I don't know what's wrong with me...I don't know at all. I mean, here I am confused and lost as hell and it's fucking making me insane.
Part 4: Initial decision
I guess the safest thing I can do now, rather than doing something drastic like resigning and stuff would probably seek professional help. I mean, most of the afternoon, i've been googling around looking for good psychiatrists in the Philippines that are reasonably priced versus the ones I'd find in Medical City that cost 2k per session. Sigh.
Another thing I'm thinking about is going back to writing. Given myself and my thoughts, I might be able to find something out if I write something. Hence this blog where I can see how well I'm doing and probably write another story/book and see if I might inject some subconscious shit into that.
Maica asked me to come over to her house with Maggie this Saturday to help me out. Not really help me out but help me figure things out at first to find out what it is that I have to do. Sigh....I dunno I honestly don't know anymore.
Whoever thought the road to self-awareness and feeling better was this strainous and stressful? nyeta.
Day 1 passed, now...tomorrow's the hard part.
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