Day 1

After weeks of being down, I was finally confronted by my friends saying that I've been too down, that I've been being too self destructive and that I'm starting to be a danger to myself...and that everyone around me is starting to worry big time.

Though this is going to be a long and hard journey...it's been made clear to me that this is something I have to do ALONE. People are telling me left and right that they're not abandoning me but what the fuck?! Everyone is. It's like they're leaving me on a chair and just patting my shoulder wishing me luck and leaving the room never to see them again till I'm all "fixed".

I'm sorry to say this is seriously FUCKED UP. You can tell I'm pissed. I'm sorry to say but I am.

I mean, I'm not being abandoned but I can't ask anyone for help when I absolutely need it?! Ugh.

Part 1: Afraid
I'm scared shitless.

I've always known that I'm my own worst enemy but to think that it'd get stronger and manifest itself against me in such a way that...well, it's hurting me now...not only emotionally and mentally but physically as well.

I was asked earlier why I was afraid. And here's why...Like I've said before, I'm scared of myself...what I'm capable of doing. I mean, who's ever heard of someone who's afraid of his own limitless capabilities right? But one thing I've thought of and kept close to my heart is that "Power Corrupts, and Absolute Power Corrupts Absolutely".

The thing I'm going through now...entails much more internalization than I'd ever experienced before. This journey I'll be going through is something I've never done before...I know madrama to death but please...hear me out. This whole thing is a fight between me and myself and the battlefield is in my enemy's home court...here (points to head for added dramatic effect).

Another reason why I'm afraid is that...this is something I have to go through alone. And, to be honest...after I was asked me to start opening up and stuff and letting people in, I've been more open to people and the fact that I have people around with me that I can ask help for has been a comforting thought, a security blanket of sorts. But now, it's like I'll be running the marathon by myself and all of you guys will just watch on the sidelines some cheering me on, some waiting for me to fail. It's like my first day of school ever and there's my mom leaving me at the school's gate wishing me good luck.

I'm scared because I don't know if this is something I can do by myself. I mean, I know I can, I definitely can, it's just that like a kid, sometimes you'd feel safer...more confident if someone held your hand once in a while.

Another reason why I'm afraid is that I may not like what I find out. Would it make me a better person? Or a bad person? It's like I'm Pandora with a box but I don't know what's inside my box.

Part 2: Initial Thoughts
I am seriously lost...I don't know what to do or where to start. Here are people offering me solutions left and right and I don't even know what the problem is. I mean, is it my getting psycho-somatic shit? Is it the stress? Is it work? Is it something as specific as that? Or is it something bigger?

I mean...is it solved by something as simple as resigning? taking a break? I mean, what guarantee do I have that it'll be better after that? I mean...what is MY problem?

That's something I've been trying to understand, trying to think of coz as soon as i understand...then I'd probably know where to go for a start.

Another thing that's been bugging me is that...what do I want to achieve? What's my goal? just to be better? is there something more specific? Or wholisitc wellness?

I honestly don't know and I'm seriously lost.

Part 3: Preliminaries
Amidst the busy day at work and chatting with random people online, Maica threw a word at me which caught me off guard. She said that I was probably depressed. At first I laughed it off and said impossible. But looking back...that may be the reason behind my behavior of late. I know I said I was depressed a couple of long emails back but...maybe that was just scratching the surface. I may be more depressed than I thought. The lack of appetite, the subconscious self-destructive tendencies, the fact that I've been crying more and more versus over 15 years of no tears and so on and so forth.

Rather than the normal "awww...I'm depressed" maybe it's the clinical depression...something that I've known deep down inside but have been in denial about. For all I know, it could be deep-rooted insecurities and stuff but I choose not to believe in them.

Maybe I really am depressed...hence the no gana to work, the lack of energy and enthusiasm. I mean even Eric told me I stopped smiling in the office.

I honestly don't know. I don't know what's wrong with me...I don't know at all. I mean, here I am confused and lost as hell and it's fucking making me insane.

Part 4: Initial decision
I guess the safest thing I can do now, rather than doing something drastic like resigning and stuff would probably seek professional help. I mean, most of the afternoon, i've been googling around looking for good psychiatrists in the Philippines that are reasonably priced versus the ones I'd find in Medical City that cost 2k per session. Sigh.

Another thing I'm thinking about is going back to writing. Given myself and my thoughts, I might be able to find something out if I write something. Hence this blog where I can see how well I'm doing and probably write another story/book and see if I might inject some subconscious shit into that.

Maica asked me to come over to her house with Maggie this Saturday to help me out. Not really help me out but help me figure things out at first to find out what it is that I have to do. Sigh....I dunno I honestly don't know anymore.

Whoever thought the road to self-awareness and feeling better was this strainous and stressful? nyeta.

Day 1 passed, now...tomorrow's the hard part.