A lot of things happened over the weekend. Meeting up with old friends and getting shit-faced drunk, going to mass and almost breaking down in church...and I was able to realize a lot of things.
Ever since I was little, I’ve always wanted to be the hero. Growing up, watching Bioman, Shaider, Masked Rider Black, even the Power Rangers, I’ve grown to admire them…selfless, never thinking about the danger that they could be putting themselves through, just making sure that everyone’s safe and sound in the end.
Ever since I was little, I wanted to be one of them. I wanted to clench my fists, do a stupid pose and transform into something more than human, able to take on all of life’s challenges, whether it be a giant robot sent by Dr. Man, Monsters roaming the streets terrorizing people, or even just helping a little girl who’s sad cause she can’t find her puppy. I’ve always wanted to be the hero who saves the day.
I’ve always wanted to be the hero. I wanted to save everyone, be selfless, be magnanimous. I wanted to protect everyone around me and make sure that none of them ever got hurt, ever felt sad, ever had any problems.
I wanted to be stronger. I wanted to be more powerful so that I could keep things like what happened to my lolo, from happening to anyone else. I wanted to be stronger, more powerful so that I could protect my friends and loved ones from assholes in the world that would kidnap, rape, steal and even murder. I wanted to be stronger. I wanted to be more powerful so that I could protect everyone around me. Keep them from any danger. I wanted to be a hero.
You see, I’ve always believed that with great power comes great responsibility…and I know that I have great power within me. No, I don’t have superhuman strength, I don’t have lightning fast speed or a magical ring that could create matter out of my imagination…or the very least spider-like powers. The power that I had…was my heart, my imagination, my perseverance, my strength. And with that power that I had…I knew that with it comes great responsibility. And I believed that I had to be responsible for my loved ones, my friends…the people around me.
But, life wasn’t like those shows I stated above. Good doesn’t always triumph over evil. The Biomen don’t always win against Dr. Man, Shaider doesn’t always get out of the Strange World Fuuma, Masked Rider Black doesn’t always get to finish off Gorgom’s Mutants with his Rider Kick. In my world, happy endings come as often as sad endings. And, whenever I failed, whenever I did the opposite, caused someone pain, rather than relief, caused someone sadness rather than happiness, whenever I fail to save the day…I’d beat myself up for it. I’d blame myself for not saving the day. I’d blame myself for doing the wrong thing, rather than the right thing. I’d blame myself and I’d keep that blame with me…till the bitter end.
And because of that, the pressure of all of that baggage, of trying to save everyone is finally taking its toll on me. I’ve been beating myself up too much, I’ve been feeling sorry for myself and I’ve lost that flame within me that I used to have. I mean, if you’ve failed so many times…could you really blame me?
Though, I want to…though I want to save everyone, I have to learn that I cannot. I’m not God. I’m not Superman. I don’t have a Bio-Controller that helps me transform into a Bioman to help fight evil, I don’t have the Kingstone to help me “Henshin” into Mask Rider Black, I don’t have Vavilos that would transform into a giant gun to blast away evil. I have to learn that I cannot save everyone. I have to learn that I cannot save the world. I have to stop beating myself up for not being able to save the world. I need to learn that I am not like the Biomen, Mask Rider Black, or Shaider. I cannot save the world on a daily basis. I cannot save everyone. No matter how hard I try, no matter how strong or fast I get…I cannot save everyone. I need to realize that. I cannot beat myself up for every bad thing that happens to my friends that was outside my power. I cannot beat myself up for every evil thing in the world. I cannot save everyone, much less the world.
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