Day 2

I finally know what’s wrong with me. Why I’ve been feeling like this for a long time.

Given the past year, all I’ve thought about myself, given everything that’s been happening is that I’m just one big fuck up.

Starting off with almost losing Philam due to carelessness with my former partner late 2007 directly followed up by screwing up one of the biggest projects we had 2007-2008 which needed the two top people in the office to step in.

Then my new boss came in and in the beginning with her constant screaming and getting mad at me for being careless and shit that was always together with my car client’s constant cursing and getting mad at me. To add, countless other clients calling me and screaming at me as well and to top it all off, Singapore Region for my solo account calling me and telling me I’m a crappy AE.

All of these things have made me even more insecure about myself, making me feel like I’m not good for anything just following other people’s orders. No matter what I’ve tried no matter what I did, I still ended up fucking something up one way or another. I mean look at how I am now with this good friend of mine, fucked that up as well.

The thing is…with all these fucking up and shit, I don’t feel as if I’m excelling at all in what I’m doing. Deep in my mind, I know that one way or another I’ll screw something up. So, rather than taking the initiative and doing other stuff on the side, being afraid of making a mistake and getting others mad at me, I just end up sitting down and following orders. I mean, whenever I take the initiative to do something, someone always gets mad at me…whether it be going to FGDs to better understand the market to…I dunno, buying a friend dinner and bringing it over to her house at night.

Outside of work, other things are making me even more insecure. 2007 where a friend basically gave me her FINAL NO coz she doesn’t want to be part of a relationship but after a couple of months, starts dating. My parents still criticizing everything I do and don’t trust me at all for anything.

All these things, all these factors have been pushing me down…pushing me down, down lower than I’ve ever been and even if I do something “extraordinary”, it’s either someone else is praised for it, or something else happens that just forces me back down.

All the stress, all the bullshit that I have to go through each day feeling that I’m not worth a damn to anyone for anything. I’m just here to follow what clients want and tell to creatives. The little chance I have to show off, I can’t.

There…I finally know what the fuck my problem is, now the second part is trying to figure a way to fix it.