Days 14 to 17

I lost a dear friend today (Day 17). I lost her due to my stupidity and being incredibly screwed up. I was highly unfair to her by using her as an emotional punching bag…and as some people know, is not a good thing, given what I’ve been keeping deep down inside.

The past 4 days focused on that event…the slow deterioration of a friendship due to an act of needing validation from someone. I tried so hard to hold on and not to fall apart. I tried so hard but I guess I was able to do it.

This event woke me up. Losing a really close friend due to my issues and current circumstance was the last thing I wanted to happen…and that friend was someone I wanted to be with me as I go through and try and fix the different issues I have.

I realized that I have been “using” people too much. Fixating too much on them and making their problems mine made me forget about the things I was going through. And by helping them out, I felt validated for my existence or at least…it made me feel important. I hated the fact that I was strong and hanging out with her, I felt I could be vulnerable…but rather than being vulnerable, I ended up exploiting it which was unfair for her. For every little thing that fell on my plate, I went to her using her as a security blanket, telling me that everything was going to be okay…little did I know that nothing was going to be okay with my continuously doing that.

I need to learn how to be self-sufficient. I need to stop relying on people to make me feel important. I need to stop battering my friends and loved ones with the crap that’s going on with me and learn how to be a man and stand up and face my demons by myself. I need to remember that this is MY battle, and I shouldn’t drag anyone else in it.

Finally, the battle has brought on its first casualty…my friendship with my really dear friend. I just pray to God that after I deal with my demons…that I can still salvage the friendship we once had.

I need to stop fucking whining about everything. I need to stop being a black hole and finally stand up and do something about it. I need to learn how to rely on myself and learn what it is I’m capable of and I need to be happy with what I have. I need to learn that my torturing myself, my endless whining and complaining will not get me anywhere.

I need to fix myself. I need to fix myself fast. I need to prove to her, to everyone that I can be better…that I can be a better person.

I need to prove to myself that I am a better person.

This needs to stop, right here, right now. I’ve probably lost too much already given my current state and I don’t think I’d be able to stand losing anymore. I need that leave as soon as possible so I can really fix myself. I need to fix myself…I need to fix everything in my life. I need to fix my outlook in life and with it,…fix myself.

I have to...I just have to.