Days 34 to Forever

As the title of the blog entry might tell you…this is going to be my last blog entry for this for the meantime.

I know a lot of people have been looking forward to my entries coz, the entries somewhat helps them out. I know, and I’m sorry.

A lot of things have happened since my last entry. A 2 week leave, drinking, smoking up, writing, playing, DVD-Marathoning and so-on and so-forth.

And though, I pretty much know what to do…It’s something I can’t tell you guys. You’ve seen what I’ve been up to, what I’ve been going through but the last and final step is something that you have to figure out yourself. But I can’t just leave you hanging, no…not that kind of person. So, I’m going to give you a couple of tips.

One thing I realized that probably screwed me up most was not being able to find balance. I realized that my subconscious has been getting stronger and stronger thus affecting me physically. I realized that it was because I was repressing too much. Repressing so much that I was keeping parts of me down, and not letting them up again.

Basically, in psychology terms, my id has been overpowered by my superego and my id has been trying to break free. And free it wants to be. Bottom line, I’m an adult sure. I need to worry about bills, making money and all but…if you lived like that…won’t it suck? And truth be told, I sucked big time. So here’s my advice. Be a kid. Not all the time, no…but when you feel the urge…do something child-like. Pop in a childish game onto your computer (installed Diablo 2 and Conan is now Lvl 26 BOOYAH!) Did some stupid stuff I wouldn’t normally do like…shave my head. I’m breaking the chains and once again living. Do something crazy like run out into the rain and letting the cool drops of water just wet you. Sleep in, lie in bed and just watch DVDs, indulge parts of you that haven’t seen the light of days for the longest time…like for me, the inner geek. Another part would be the Rockstar within…that’s why every night…I jam on my electric guitar for hours at a time just playing some hardcore rock n roll songs like “Rock You Like A Hurricane”, play some Winger, some Triumph as well as some Journey and KISS. Go out and forget all the other shit in your life and do something you enjoy, a guilty pleasure, some wacky dance you do…and you know what? JUST DON’T GIVE A FUCK. Sure you may play the guitar really bad and sure, you may look like a total ass dancing in public…but FUCK THAT. You are who you are. So what if you’re watching Cartoon Network in your underwear on a Saturday morning? So what if you like playing MMORPGS for hours at a time? So what if you like singing out loud to your heart’s content? That’s who you are…who are they to tell you that you can’t? Give them the finger and just do what you got to do.

As Renton from Trainspotting said, gracefully…

“I'm going to change. This is the last of that sort of thing. Now I'm cleaning up and I'm moving on, going straight and choosing life. I'm looking forward to it already. I'm gonna be just like you. The job, the family, the fucking big television. The washing machine, the car, the compact disc and electric tin opener, good health, low cholesterol, dental insurance, mortgage, starter home, leisure wear, luggage, three piece suite, DIY, game shows, junk food, children, walks in the park, nine to five, good at golf, washing the car, choice of sweaters, family Christmas, indexed pension, tax exemption, clearing gutters, getting by, looking ahead, the day you die.”

So…I tell you, listen to all those punk rock songs in the past and LIVE. Live a balance, work and play. Be an adult as well as a kid. I mean sure, you could be fucking 40 for all I care, go to Toy Kingdom and buy a fucking Gameboy and play Pokemon if you want to. No one can stop you.

There’s no turning back, no going back. This is me, with a cigarette in my mouth, guitar in hand and a middle finger sticking out. This is me. Who are you?